Six Years

A year ago today, on our five year anniversary, Matt and I were given the best gift we could ever wish for - a positive pregnancy test. As we laughed and embraced, I shed tears of happiness at the thought of raising a child with my best friend. 
We'd pictured that in a year's time we would be a family. And we are, although in a way we never imagined. We are a family living with the absence of our two sons. It seems unbelievable that this has happened to us, that we should be parents who have lost our firstborns. 

These past six years have been the best of our lives, even though this past year has been unimaginably hard. Today is a day of celebration, yet it is tinged with much sadness, as we mourn the fact that we don’t have William and Noah with us. 

We are so blessed to have one another. Every day, we are thankful. We have always been close, inseparable. But in battling our way through the days and months after the death of our sons, we have a found a closeness and a bond on a level I never could have imagined possible. Every day I reflect on how lucky I am to have such an incredible man in my life. As my husband, as the father of my children. 

He is my rock, my strength to carry on each day. My comfort in the darkest days I have ever faced. It is his arms which cradle me and enable me to grieve, shed endless tears, mourn, or just remain silent. He is the one person who listens to, accepts and understands everything I am feeling. Because my pain is his pain. Together, we are learning to find joy again in a life we never thought we would experience. It is amazing how far we have come. And though we have lost our sons, there is no one else with whom I would walk this road.

As we celebrate six years together, I am blessed to be 24 weeks pregnant with our third child, a precious life who is due to join us in October. Hope and fear, tangled up together.

Although our pain and sadness over losing William and Noah can never be erased, this new pregnancy has already brought us much happiness. Each kick and turn is savoured and brings a smile to our faces. One of life's sweetest joys is feeling your child move inside you. I'd missed it so much.

We don't know if we will get to take this baby home, alive and healthy. We can only hope. But whilst inside me, we will treasure every second of this cherished new life.

Ineffable love.

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